I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
