I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
