I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
