I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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