for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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