the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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