when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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