you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
