i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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