she was so not down for the gang bang
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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