Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
