The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
