So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
