The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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