I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
