i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
