haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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