I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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