She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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