he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
two words: eviction party
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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