I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
