I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
