Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
