Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
