my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
