I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
