my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
