Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
