if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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