Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
