when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
