i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
