OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
