I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish my penis had a tongue
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
