Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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