As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
