I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
