A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
