You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
