we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
