totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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