Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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