You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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