and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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