Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
