hotel room ftw
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
