dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
