Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He passed out mid-signature
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
