just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
