Whod you bang
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
