I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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