well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
