The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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