The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
