Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
